2/19

I have requested another removal of game from my Steam library today, the first being the Portal 2 game I ordered with the last bits of mobile phone balance, and now the censored version of Team Fortress 2 game - neither of them I really care; I rarely play them, and often when I do, I would be shocked by how little difference they actually possess. They are both cartoonish; their objectives are both killing and avoid being killed; they are both a de-realized version of a more intricate repetition I used to play - Battlefield 4. And surprisingly, for the last month, I have spent very little, if anything at all, outside of the usual necessities, beside the investments in games, which now I purchase according to chunks of titles instead of a title and collections of DLCs instead of a DLC, all for the very simple reason that the price scheme alludes the former would be more agreeable if I would eventually desire a complete experience. I have somehow willingly fallen into a sort of psychological finesse, willingly exploited by consumerism I once so deprecated. I began to cease caring about grades entirely, for a defensible reason of course, that today's employers seldom seem to care about what's in an applicant's academic profile, and therefore it appears reasonless for me to strive to be disappointed again.

In one conversation I held with my roommate Husain, he mentioned how the 3 Afghan college applicants he was once a member of went with a pact that none of them should apply for the same college, and how he was then rejected by all the dreamy American schools and how his friend got 2 full scholarships from 2 prestigious universities - the fact that he has to be ending up in Jacobs University haunts him, and maybe, in a vaguely distinguishable way, haunts me as well. I often wonder if there's real value to here - I saw defunct student government, unresponsive and sometimes unfit administrations; I also saw a lot of talented people, financially bereft, struggling to death unto realize whatever dream means to them, and the smiling German staff in the package center, and the oh-so brilliant Apetito Catering lady cashier - interactions go on even if we hardly understand each other. And my girlfriend - though frankly I have never for a millisecond thought of having one, always exerts this lightness that melts me, that with her I was dragged out of my own grandiose definition of what reality is and lose my usual urge of having to worry.

And yet all of these seems more tuned down for me than it is supposed to be for a normal person. I have a tendency to monochromate all colors into a hue whose internal difference is quantifiable. I tried to justify the case with my poor eyesight and the lack of glass. But I'm not sure yet if it is merely the abrupt increase of visibility that caused my brain to delightedly perceive a positive change.

I rarely feel truly liberated, and when I do, it seems more as if I myself am suspended than I am truly a part of that liberation. My girlfriend is changing her shoes and a second-hand German Shritte International 2 textbook that we both regretted purchasing. I may or may not wash those 3 Chinese characters off my wrist. I may or may not go to the Public Management course or Social Entrepreneurship course tomorrow. I may have a great GPA by the end of this semester. I'm secretly hopeful though, hopeful that something astoundingly different might burst in and change everything for me, or me for everything.

Oh yeah, just today, less than 5 hours ago, I spent another 15 dollars for a Humble Square Enix Bundle 2 that includes Sleeping Dog, Thief, Deux Ex, and Tomb Raider I would not play but would certainly download.

At least I'm satiated for the moment being.