Hey, here I am again, downloading Battlefield 4 at 9.5 MB/sec, a game I had haplessly deleted and haplessly restored, both as an attempt to bestow myself something to be hooked up with, either in the future or at the present. The moment I deleted the game, my girlfriend predicted that I'll definitely be coming back for more, either for my most anticipated Grand Theft Auto V, or to re-install the Battlefield 4 I no longer anticipate but am nonetheless accustomed to - she's probably correct either ways. And I realize that within these disciplines and indulgences, there is my constant struggle to cater to the provident and the immediate at the same time - which is, needless to say, not feasible. Yet I find myself inattentive to this danger, often ignoring, postponing, and when the time arrives, striving for a little while and then embracing whatever results that come out. If it is me one year ago, I would not tolerate this - for I thought of not studying simply because I would be always studying the minute I got into college - seen from now, such sentiment is not only juvenile, but ferociously wrong - as I am me, I know me and I have loathed studying from the very beginning of my education - I don't reject knowledge of course, in fact I am deemed a knowledgeable person by those surrounding me, I reject the way knowledge is dictated for me to learn in a forcible way.
I had a prolonged conversation with Husain in the kitchen after dinner - he, for some reason, had felt particularly bad, and incidentally my comments on his lifestyle makes him feel worse. And therefore I invited him to the kitchen where Winnie and Cathy were cooking, and told him that we were preparing something for him - which was not the case. To make him feel better, or rather, to make him feel that I'm empathetic about him, I said, ever since I came to the college, although I still write, my writings are becoming progressively more mechanical, that I don't ruminate as deeply, or branch out, or immerse in my own creation - I have simply become a bookkeeper of a life that is essentially too shallow to be documented, and have lost the single most important trait of see through this shallowness. And he replied, yes, of course, that's what university is for - it makes you mechanical, and it makes you borrow things from other people for the pretense of being an intellectual. As we both connived, when we write papers, hidden behind those delicate bookish words, are incredibly simple thoughts and the pile of formidable references is just a matter of Google-fu - by searching certain keywords that we had wanted to write ourselves, we come up with references simply because a proper academic writing mandates it. There are surely, tangible people who write the papers with sincerity, because they want to extend the human horizon, push the entire race forward, just that I've seen too many people, bleaching themselves with all the formulaic and bureaucratic words they know of, forging an artificial invincibility as an academic, and in the end just trying to get a diploma and a GPA which they can use to get a job in the mid-range income area that eternally would not involve horizon extending of any sorts - creativity stifled, mentality depressed, esteem erased, in a phrase, ready for delivery to the job market - let's applaud - we have harvested, these tiny little potatoes have grown into the standard size; they move through the Water Gun Knife without jamming the pipeline; the customers have much more of a consistent experience; yay.
The Battlefield 4 game and the Dragon's Teeth DLC have been downloaded - there are four more DLCs to go, especially the Second Assault DLC which includes my favorite map Operation Metro 2014. With all the previous rant I feel more guilt-free to engage my gaming activity, which is, after all, immediately pleasurable, and thus cogent. And I'll start for the second quiz for the Marketing course the day after tomorrow (technically today since I'm writing this piece at 1:14 AM), and then the Environmental Economics and Resource Management paper, and then the Statistical Concept and Data Analysis assessed lab, and then the Environmental Economics and Resource Management group project, and then the Public Policy and Management and Social Entrepreneurship papers. Well, looking in to the future this is what I see. And what I do, is mounting it with occasional outings to Hamburg, talks with a friend, and one hour a day in front of the computer typing things irrelevant to anything vaguely of utility.
I texted Gao today for more details about my summer job in the language teaching establishment in Shanghai. He said he'll ask the Human Resource about it. Although I do not worry that I'll miss this part-time job that lets me out-earn my brother Wang Yao, I do feel that earning 200 RMB a day, like Gao currently does, for me is unlikely, and that buying another Razer Blade with the money I earned is even more so, since one has to pay for rent and food. However I see how wonderful life could be at a different perspective, where I exist entirely out of my own morality, I'll be perennially happy.
