5/17

For the days before, I was again immersed in playing Planetside 2 - not a game I actually like, but just a choice of regaining my sense of achievement. Everything lately has seemed to be a little wild. People, at first hopeful that there will be a Harvard graduates from their family, are beginning to complain that my failure to obtain a full financial aid package was somehow an unacceptable fault - although I was given offers from colleges like Williams and Duke without an aid package - that pretty much has a lot to say about my competence. The Jacobs University did offer me some decent grant, but my family still has to pay up to 6400 euros annually. That's part of the reason my father has to work 15 hours a day in the dish washing business - although he could easily find a much better job than the one he's currently having, by returning to his Ever-Glory corporation and become a manager like he did several years ago - he said he's tired of doing clothing industry, and is interested now in labor-heavy works like express delivery and dish washing. Although I've long got accustomed to the way people around me operate their life, the repetitiveness of their unbridled daydream often astounds me - my uncle said he's capable of making several thousands of RMBs per day. He's the chef of a 70-people state owned cafeteria, and is responsible for all the kitchen supplies - as it turns out, it's one of my uncle's another elaborate brag about himself. My grandmother, always deceptively supportive of my grand ambition, hangs up on me abruptly on the phone after I declined to go eat dinner at her place. My aunt is now actively persuading my mom to work the morning part of her job for a monthly 1250 RMB salary, so she can use the less stressful evening part to sleep and watch movies on her MP4. I suddenly understand why my siblings in Suzhou and Nanjing would discriminate against us - we have practically zero ability to grab an opportunity. Although huge wealth, some 1 billion RMB, and mansion and Cadillac cars were all readily available simply by saying yes; the 1 million at the beginning of the 1990s were lost in my uncle's gamble. What prospect, what hope do they have if chances evaded, talent squandered in dish washing and vegetable vendor business. Yet everyone all appears to have great conviction on whatever they're doing is right, and someday because of their diligence and perseverance, they'll be recognized as successful - no one can become successful by raising cocks and ducks at the backyard at their country house, without proper management, with bare hands. And I, who's been intending to escape all of these clusterfuck, and learning real knowledge of how to make good use of the social resources, am secretly and blatantly cursed of being ignorant.

When I talk to friends on the internet, I told them that my father is a successful business man who runs across the globe for meetings and negotiations, seldom stays at home and never questions what his son is doing. But in fact, he runs across the Wuxi city for cheap, remnant vegetables and sell them to restaurants for twice the price, always stays at home in the same bedroom he shared with my grandma, and deems me some sort of superior being and therefore possesses the innate tendency to look down upon him - yes, I am doing that precisely because he thinks everyone who has a better orientation of life is snobbish - "It's all the communists' fault, and people are giving me money I don't deserve (for helping them start multi-million companies)." My father always says this to console me, and his speech sounds so genuine, and more importantly, he always consider himself a successful person, in every aspect, I have naively believed him. That's where all the nonsense arises. Now, I'm once again, tired of maintaining the laughable balance between two mutually-suspicious group, feigning the amicability that's was actually never there, and pretending to care about their repellent ideology, I'm going to get the fuck out of here, Germany, Singapore, whatever, and when I'm out, I'll just work the ass off for my own life and future.